


Dear Diary, why do I know that feel when no kagune up my ass? Your loving gourmet, Tsukiyama

by Kierloin



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Bad Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-17 14:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2313569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kierloin/pseuds/Kierloin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a very lame joke-fic inspired by a meme</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mind if I get you a re-feel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tsukiyamas](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=tsukiyamas), [Alana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alana/gifts).



> For tumblr user tsukiyamas (mua ;//3//;)  
> This takes place on a very messed up Au, CCG exists and ghouls exist but the rest is all frigged up.  
> Ch 1 kaneki is still human

Tsukiyama put his cup of coffee on the table, gently as always.  
"Kaneki…" He sighed.  
Kaneki was next to him, and he too sighed.  
"Tsukiya-bro, please, I can’t go out with you, what if you want to eat me?"  
Tsukiyama stared at his empty cup of coffee, Kaneki stared at it as well.  
Kaneki snorted.  
"Mind if I offer you a re-feel?" Kaneki said as he put on his trollface mask made by the new ghoul-mask maker, ever since uta died of STDs for eating too much dick (literally).Tsukiyama shed a small tear.

Hrs later, Touka and Kaneki were chatting it up,  
"Kaneki, how did Uta die?" Touka inquired,  
"Oh idk, i heard he wanted to try a gloryhole kind of shit and accidentally bit someones dick off,  
i think that person had stds, omg". Kaneki placed a mug he was washing on the sink.  
"I kinda like the new mask maker anyways. He wears really cool fedoras."

By the time Kaneki and Touka finished cleaning up the cannibal- er- imean ghoul cafe (kaneki didnt know it was a ghoul cafe) they were heading home.  
"See you later Touka-chan." Kaneki said to Touka as they parted ways (bc they took opposite side to get home duh).  
"*Seen 10:00 pm*" Touka didnt reply and just went home. 

Kaneki arrived to his apartement and groped the wall to locate the light switch.  
Kaneki didnt do a good job at seducing the lights, because they did not turn on.  
"Ahsonofabitch"  
Kaneki tripped. 

"À tes souhaits" A hot voice could be heard from Kanekis room.  
"Awh thank y- wait who that"

"It is Je moi, Tsukiyama, m'lunch- I mean m'lady" Tsukiyama said as he tipped his fedora with his kagune.  
"Kaneki mon amour, I heard you like fedoras."  
"Yeah, but they only look good on the new mask maker"  
Tsukiyama was devastated-zoned.  
"Wait, what the fuck did you use to tip your fedora"  
"nothing" tsukiyama replied immediately.  
...  
...  
Silence  
"Soooo," Kaneki tried to make conversation. "Are you gonna scoot over or should i get you da´fuck outta my home"  
Tsukiyama made a small room for kaneki  
"Jerk," Kaneki said and he lied down. 

Next morning:  
"Oh kaneki, yes yes OUIIIIII- huh- OW" Tsukiyama woke up in a trashcan.  
Tsukiyamaha used his kagune to break his metallic prison, he found a note not too far from where he was.  
Tsukiyama read the note:  
" - Bruh, I told you like 5 times to stop using up the blanket, you didnt listen and then you poked my  
butt with something p sharp??? and dont say it wasnt your anaconda  
have fun in mexico puto  
happy september 16-"  
Tsukiyama looked at his surroundings.  
"That literature loving piece of shit, this ain't mexico, this is australia!"  
Tsukiyama started to swim back 2 tokyo


	2. Juuzo Suzuya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juuzo Suzuya

"And you take the angry businessman suitcase, open it and voila. A hentai tentacle comes out and tadaa!  
It kills the ghoul."  
Mado aka the hot grandpa explained. 

"Woah!" Exclaimed Suzuya. "My turn!"  
"Okay but be care-"

Just as suzuya opened his angry businessman suitcase, a tentacle came out and sliced Amon's arm off. 

"hopy shit"  
"whatthe fuck"  
The two white haired hotties approached Amon.   
"What do I do" Suzuya asked a bit panicked.  
"Idk, you know how to sew, sew his arm back on"

 

 

 

"I am not a doctor"


	3. Im not like other grills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rize appears

It was a normal day at anteiku, it was a cosplay saturday,   
Touka dressed up as pikachu.  
"Dumbass Kaneki, you were supposed to cosplay something, not go 2 japanese walmart and buy the sexy pirate suit"  
"Jeez, calm down touka, i really dont watch anime so I didnt know."

Another voice interrupted.  
"Di-did *pant* Did somebody *pant* say Calmato *WHEEEZE*"  
"Oh fuck no" touka and kaneki said at the same time.   
Kaneki thought 'Hey touka-chan, we said it at the same time'  
*Kaneki wishes to hi5 mentally*  
*Touka rejects the hi5 request*  
Kaneki: ):

Tsukiyama took his usual seat- hey whtthe fuck, there was a girl there, wOW RUDE  
"I'd like some more coffee please" she said, calmato-ly   
Kaneki: 'hehehe mind if I offer a re-feel?' Kaneki laughed at the thought  
*Touka slaps Kaneki mentally*  
.....   
And then physically, like, with her hand "Go get her some more coffee"  
Tsukiyama tch'd, "kaneki-kun, here, change into these" he gave kaneki a bag.   
Kaneki peeked inside, it looked like normal clothes, so he went and changed,   
After changing, he went back to tsukiyama, who was wearing the same clothes as Kaneki, except for the white haired wig. 

"Welcome back, shinji-kun", Tsukiyama greeted,   
"What" was kanekis reply. 

By 10 pm, it was closing time, and that hot chick was still there,   
"Hey, -uh, what's your name? It's time to close so uh-"  
"Rize"   
"Uh no, we don't sell rice here, so could you please leave"  
"No idjit, my name is Rize" shestood up, she was a bit taller than Kaneki,   
"oh, so uh, Rize mind leaving? I rlly wanna go home"  
Rize stood up and left   
'Man girls are complicated, no wonder I'm gay a f' Kaneki started to clean,

After cleaning, he was on his way home via boulevard of broken dreams, he felt like someone was following him  
After being shooed away, Rize started to follow him, but, she felt like someone was following her-

"ZAAAAANKOKU NA TENSHI NO FUCKING WAY, YOURE NOT GONNA FEAST ON MY KANEKIIIIIIII"  
Tsukiyama descended, still in his kaworu cosplay and pulled out his kagune and twirled like the majestic french ballerina he was 

TRES BIEN  
oh shit 

There lay Kaneki and rize, both of them w/ their guts out.

Tsukiyama, ssshit. *leaves*

Shortly after tsukiyama left,   
"lalalalalalala", eh? Wowee, Suzuya had stumbled upon kaneki and rizes de-gutted bodies,   
"Guess I can practice my sewing skills here,"


	4. Uh oh Haha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suzuya fucks up

"Aaaaaaand there we go!"  
Suzuya made a knot so his precious work wouldn't go to waste.  
"Hm, so do I leave him here or whatthe hell?"  
He left.  
Tsukiyama came out of the darkness and took his precious bff home, no homo.  
Tsukiyama had planned on making a small prank, he would make Kaneki eat human flesh, so he stayed at Kaneki's place.

Kaneki woke up.  
Something smelled odd.  
Yawning and scratchign the back of his head, he entered the kitchen.  
Tsukiyama, what are you doing here?  
"Bonjour mon amour!" Tsukiyama greeted. I thought I'd make you something to eat.  
"That's very kind of you, Tsukiya-bro." Kaneki replied while taking a seat on the small table. Tsukiyama served him some meat and coffee, what Kaneki didn't know  
was that,  
It was human meat.  
"It tastes odd..." Kaneki said, not trying to sound rude, because, hey, someone offered to make breakfast for him, but, who eats meat for breakfast?  
Tsukiyama, of course. That, and he was weird enough. He only drank coffee when he visited Anteiku.  
Kaneki finished, and Tsukiyama offered to wash the dishes, as Kaneki got ready for school.

Hide wasn't at school, 'How weird' Kaneki thought,  
Today Kaneki had a day off, so he didn't need to go to Anteiku, but, being the lame-o he was he went and decided to help out anyways.  
Tsukiyama wasn't there. 

By the time the sun was setting Kaneki had gone out to check on some book shops.  
And by the time he finished the darkness took over the city.  
Kaneki was on his was home, he could feel something, someone following him, but whereas previous times the presence felt protective, this time it felt  
like that somehing might jump on him and kill him.  
And lord,  
He was right.  
Someone tackled him, Kaneki fell to the concrete ground and hit his head.  
Who was doing this to hi-  
It was Hide, was he, crying?  
"K-kaneki, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." Those were the words Kaneki heard before something pierced Kaneki's chest, just where his heart is.  
"KANEKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!" This time, it was Tsukiyama, running towards the predator and his not boyfriend.  
Tsukiyama kicked Hide and the latter fled.  
"Oh my god Kaneki, are you alright?" Tsukiyama inquired, tears forming and rolling down his cheeks. He held Kaneki close,  
"I-I..."  
"Yes Kaneki?"  
"I need a tailor."  
"Kaneki what the fuck."  
"Because I ripped my pants........." And Kaneki went still.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOON" Tsukiyama yelled at the moon in hopes that he got his best friend and only friend back.  
Tsukiyama was carrying a dead Kaneki to his apartment, well, if Kaneki wasn't useful to hang around with anymore he would have no other choice but eat him. 

When Tsukiyama rested Kaneki on his bed he felt something.  
Tsukiyama still had hope.


	5. FEELS X2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *gassp*

Kaneki opened his eyes, slowly.   
The first thing he saw was...  
the ceiling.  
Next thing he saw was a feral Tsukiyama running towards him.   
"KAAAAANEKI KUNNN UR ALIVE"  
Tsukiyama hugged Kaneki.   
"Dude whatthe fu- oW"  
"Sorry"  
Kaneki felt some pain on his chest when Tsukiyama hugged him.   
So he took off his shirt to examine.   
"TRES BIEEEEN" Tsukiyama yodeled as hhis nose bled and he fainted.   
Kaneki saw a small hole on his chest, and being the protag he is he opened the   
hole a bit more to see better.  
He had, two hearts.   
You know what they say   
"Double the hearts, double the feels."

Kaneki poked Tsukiyama, "bruh, check this out "   
Tsukiyama woke up, saw what kaneki wanted to shoved him.   
Tsukiyama shoved his nose inside the wound and inhaled.   
" * LOUD INHALING SOUNDS* HNNNNNNNNNNNN"  
"Dude, sick"

Time later both of them sat down on kanekis couch and were watching TV.  
Tv [And today at 3 am a body was discovered. Looks like there's gonna be a big sale at the black market. A cute girl was discovered w/o her organs,   
normal ppl say it was some criminals, CCG says it was a ghoul.  
In otter-news the economy has fallen,   
normal ppl say it was the government's bad administration, CCG says it was the ghouls.   
So, two sad events have happened today,   
wait, incoming news, I've been fired for making puns on TV, fml]

"Oh shit" Kaneki gasped, before he took a bite of his dick shaped pancakes.  
"Ikr, i wanted to invite you out somewhere tomorrow but looks like i'll be living in a cardboard box by then." Tsukiyama replied.  
"Dude, not that. I think Rice's organs are inside me"  
"BRUH WTF I thought you were gay as hell" Tsukiyama sed   
"I am! dont you see me eating these dick shaped pancakes?!" Kaneki waved the  
soft  
edible  
schlong  
and bit the tip and swallowed.  
Tsukiyama cringed  
Kaneki puked.

"Wtf im not allergic to these. lemme try again" And so, kaneki tried to eat the pancake dick.  
*Barf*  
*Gasp*   
"Oh no" kaneki said   
"I think having rize's organs in me made me"  
"A ghoul?" Tsukiyama tried to guess.  
"... allergic to dicks"  
"No way"

Tokyo   
G  
Heteronormativity  
O  
U  
L


	6. EVERYONE CALM THE FUCK DOWN, I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EEVVEOYONE CLLAM TH HEH FU CK DODOWNTHI ID NOT A DIRLIWNJWP4JI2TGWJPJRIW

[Kaneki's kitchen 10:00 am]   
Tsukiyama was wearing a bikini and holding a sign that said 'Round 340', y'know like one of those wrestling babes.   
Kaneki was attempting for the 340th time to eat the pancake dick. 

Tsukiyama: kaneki-kun ,give up   
Kaneki: NO *glomp*   
*PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE*  
Tsukiyama hurried over to Kaneki and brushed some puke outta the corner of his mouth (no wonder he's trash)

Tsukiyama: Kaneki-kun, maybe, you should try a real dick...  
Kaneki's eyes widened at the sudden realization,   
Kaneki: maybe, I do have to eat a Dick

With that being said, Kaneki tackled tsukiyama and sankhis teeth on the trashking's shoulder.  
Tsukiyama: sonofabitch why u do that?  
Kaneki: you said 'bite a dick' and you're like, a total dick 69% of the time

But with Kaneki's sudden attack towards Tsukiyama and tasting some of Tsukiyama's blood, Kanekis Kagune popped out of his back.   
Kaneki: Whatthe shit, Tsukiyama is this coming out of my ass" he pointed at the kagune,   
"Non, looks like you're a ghoul..." Tsukiyama caught a glimpse of his own kagune wrapped around his arm, "Woah you look at that, wowee im a ghoul too"   
Kaneki: wait, dont ghouls have names given by the CCG?  
Tsukiyama: Yeah, mines dick  
Kaneki: oh. And dont ghouls have aliases for other ghouls?  
Tsukiyama: thatd be gourmet.  
Kaneki: well, who wouldn't call you gourment with your food fetish, and going on and on about how you think im fergalicious  
Tsukiyama: Kaneki, stop, let's not go back to the early 2000's   
Kaneki: *tchs* 

Kaneki: But gourmet doesn't fit you at all!  
Tsukiyama: Why?  
Kaneki: Well, to begin with, you're trash  
Tsukiyama: then what should I be called  
Kaneki: idk, your kagune looks like a drill, maybe the drilling ghoul?  
Tsukiyama: ...  
Kaneki:.....   
tsukiyama: ....   
kaneki: :y 

Tsukiyama: the only thing i'll be drilling is your ass

 

[[hot yaoiz warning for next chapter]]


	7. dang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dang

okay, so. Kaneki and Tsukiyama are on Kanekis bed.   
"Show it to me," Kaneki whispered to tsukiyama.  
Tsukiyama started to sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly pull down his pants, until kaneki slapped him,   
'nO you idiot, your kagune. Lemme see it again"  
"Oh "  
"Yeah"  
And so, tsukiyama pulled out his kagune, 'woah' kaneki thought   
"its so big.... isn't heavy"  
"Kinda" tsikuyama replied.   
"dang"

 

*1 anime and 666 fedoras later*

Kaneki and tsukiyama were arm wrestling, it was tsukiyamas left hand vs kanekis right hand. Tsukiyama lost as fast as shit.   
Then it was Tsukiyamas right hand vs kanekis left hand...  
Tsukiyama WIPED THE FLOOR WITH KANEKI AND KANEKI GOT SHREKT OH SNAP SON 

Kaneki woke up in a bed with "allstar.mp3" playing on his head, he shook it.  
"W-what happened?"  
"I beat u "  
"How"  
"My right arm is the shit"  
"Why"  
"Because I need to have a strong arm to wield me kagune"  
"U lying"  
"..."  
'...'  
"FfffINE i used to be a forever alone, so i just jerked off everyone friday night"  
"Pathetic ,lmao" 

Tsukiyama started to crey  
"bb dont crey" sed kaneki   
Tsukiyama turned and he was suddenly??? very shounen?? wow  
Knaeki whospered: "i'll let u PULL me out of my frustration,,, if u kno what i mean ;) "  
"Kaneki did u just say 'winks seductively'?"  
"stfu"

pg +13  
"MmmmhmhmnhmhsaaaaHHHHHHHH"  
"do u like it kaneki kun?"  
"mmhmhmhmhhmhm"  
"do you????"  
"mhmhmhmhmAhAHAHAH~~~~"  
" :y "  
Tsukiyama was jerking kanekis beef jerky so good, better than slim jims, until suddenly   
"ah~! AH~! AAH!!!- HOLY SHIT WHATTHE FFUCK FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT H*CK"  
Tsukiyama pulled kanekis dick off. 

*hot yaoiz end here u can open ur eyes now*


	8. Tell me, tell me how that works. Who's that inside of me? (no homo)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> now w/ 5% more memes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tsukiyama tries to comfort Kaneki w/ memes 
> 
> //tell me if the links dont work

Kaneki covered his peen  
or what was left of it.  
"TSUKIYAMA YOU FUCKINGN PEICE OF THSRASH HOWHJ DAARE YUO RIP MRY DICK OFF"  
Kaneki raged  
"FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUU-"

Tsukiyama had to think of a way to make everything alright, so he took out a chart, it read:  
-Take kanekikuns detached dick  
-?????  
-Profit!

"WE ARE NOT SELLING IT AS A DILDO"  
"BUT MON AMOUR"  
"WHATTHE SHIT DOES THAT MEAN?!"

Kaneki tried to look 4 his dick, but nothing, wait- the it was, there it go.  
Kanekis meat stick was running away- wait how the fuck.

"TSUKIYAMA DONT LET IT GET AWAY"

"AS U WISH. MON VERGE COME BACK HERE U HAVENT BEEN UP MY ASS"

the lil peen ran faster.

Tsukiyama did some kagune magic and kanekis dick was [ click here ](http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140726045745/2007scape/images/c/ce/Gnome_child_chathead.png)

...

Kaneki: 

tsukiyama: 


	9. Bag of chips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chips

Kanekis dick was somehow replaced by a kagune.  
Tsukiyama was still sorry.  
"Hey, Kaneki-kun, u know what they say, some chips taste better directly from the bag and alone than in a bowl and with friends"  
Kaneki:...  
Kaneki triple-dotted  
Kaneki: 2 things.  
1) whatthe fuck is that supposed to mean  
2) you dont even know what chips taste like.

 

Meanwhile at the C(ontrol of) G(ay) G(houls)

 

"Voila" Amon felt proud. Yes, Amon's arm might have been cut off but his arm was replaced by a suitcase.  
"Oh!" Suzuya expclaimed. "Now you can be a kinky 24/7"  
Mado:...It's Quinque  
Suzuya: KHINKHEI  
Mado: no stop pls

Amon:U guys fight, I'll go have some quality time by myself.

 

Seconds later:  
"WHATTHE FUCKING HOLY SHIT PISSSSS", amon screamed.

"WHATS GOING ON" Mado and suzuya both said at the same time.

Looks like amon had tried to jerk off with his KINKY-arm (aHAHAHAH GETIT)  
and now he was missing both arms and his dick.

His dick had ran away.


	10. Dance boy tsukiyama

The anteiku crew was gathered, except for Hinami and Kaneki, kaneki was probs laughing at some memes somewhere  
The crew was talking 2 tsukiyama about a v important matter.

"Tsukiyama, it has come to our attention that you've been stealing Kanekis undies."  
Err'one nodded   
"What do you have to say in ur defense"

 

Tsukiyama: ....  
Tsukiyama: ...   
Tsukiyama: *pulls out keyboard out of his ass* EVERYBODY KNOWS SHIT FUCK

 


	11. persn: *screams @ own ass*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ass: *is scream*

One day at Kanekis apartment:

Kaneki: *thinkimg: "MaaaaaAAAN im so bored rn, hm, lets troll tsukiyama 4 the luls"*  
"Tsukiyama saaaaaaaaaaaaaaan"   
"What is it mon amore of my vie and my coeur" tsukiyama entered the room asap

"Did u know, *snort*" kaneki started "that if u tattoo a ':V' on ur forehead ur crush will *snort snort* like u back"  
"NÀNÎ SÔRÈ" somehow tsukiyama managed to sound surprised in japanese, but still very frenchy-like

"I'll B RIGHT BACK" TSUKIyama said as he left the apartment.

Time later, kaneki was reading n shit on his couch sexily sexy like until the door feelll over bc tsukiyama broke it  
"KANEKI KUN plsz heLP"

"Dude wtf the fuck do u want *sigh* what is happen"

"'kay so, i got the tattoo as u told me to, and WHEN I FUCKING GOT OUT OF THE TATTOO SHOP PEOPLE WHO LOOKED AT ME STOPPED WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND LOOKED BACK AND SCREAMED AT THEIR ASSES. PEOPLE STOPPED DOING WHAT THEY WERE DOING, PEOPLE DIED KANEKI-COON WHY ARE PEOPLE SCREAMING AT THEIR ASSES"

"Tsukiyama-san, i accidentally troll'd (told+trolled) you that but holy shit i didnt think you would do it"


End file.
